After this weekend

I need to visit my pal, Sherman, at hs nursing home and while there see if I can volunteer there. I have to do SOMETHING. I also have to get over my fear of my new neighborhood and getting out there and walking will help. I used to walk outside every day but have been took chicken to do that sine we moved her a few weeks ago because the neighborhood feels a bit wilder – my own prejudices creeping in most likely, but certainly there are lots more teenagers around then where I was. I sound like an old fart, I guess. I should be okay as long as I go out during the day. The point is I’ve trapped myself inside and only go out when I have use of Ric’s car. Gotta get past this and find ways to feel useful

Missing you a lot today

I miss being able to talk to you about anything and everything and having you just listen and not try to “fix” it. I don’t want to talk to the kids when I feel this blue because they will jut worry. I don’t want to talk to Ric about it because he is a fixer and it will just frustrate him and make him mad – although he tries so hard. I wish I could get a damn job and feel useful but all I get is rejections. Who wants a 60 year old broad with physical and emotional problems? I hate this so muc and tomorrow I will be at your apartment cat-sitting for Russ while he goes away over night and I will be surrounded by pictures of you and memories of being there with you. And this will be after I have gum surgery in the morning. Delightful. God, I miss you my Annie. And all I can think of is that some of the last words you said to me were that you were so mad at me – and I don’t and won’t ever know why. I am so sorry for whatever it was that made you mad, but I sure am paying for it now.

Having a rough day

…so I figured I’d write. Still packing for the move to the new apartment this week which means going through lots of papers and stuff which really set me off in a sad way. Got the weeps big time. Called my kids but they are both pretty busy today so I need to get through this wave of sadness and tears. Put aside the papers for now so as not to make things worse (looking at sympathy cards and pictures of my sister is not the best activity for me today, I think). I don’t even want to write really so I think I’ll come back to this later on perhaps.

Need to write something creative

I need to find something to write about I think, but nothing is coming to mind. I used to write a lot – just for myself and my own entertainment, but I sincerely wish I could get back into that habit again. I need something creative to do and crocheting is a pain these days due to the dreaded arthritis that I get in the fall. As I’ve said, I’m moving to a new apartment soon and that will keep me busy but will also give me my own bedroom which I hope will provide a haven for my writing. I have to let myself get back into fantasizing characters and plots to allow the writing inspiration to come through. Wish me luck if anyone is out there reading my stuff here.

Things they are a changin’

I move next week so until then I feel kind of like I’m in limbo land. I’ve got some kind of cold or maybe it’s allergies, but either way I’m just exhausted all the time. I feel up and down about Annie which I will discuss with Nancy, my therapist, when I see her this weekend. I mostly feel like I don’t fit anywhere very well. I know that will change when I finally get a job and feel useful again. I really need to feel independent and directed and it’s just not happening. So I need to instead concentrate on how lucky I am to have my wonderful, supportive family and friends around me and do what I can to support them in return. It’s so easy to slide down into the muck of depression and I so do not want to be there again.

Kinda here nor there

Just writing because it feels the right thing to do. Wish I was in the new apartment where I could be unpacking and nesting. Gotta a few more job rejects back but I keep trying and will continue to do so. What a screwed up world we live in these days it seems, except that I’m making connections with folks I haven’t seen in years and that’s good. Coming up on my 60th birthday and have lots of mixed feelings about that. I am so sick of all the late-night commercials on various sorts of drugs with yards of bad interactions attached. Or the ones from the lawyers’ office asking if you, the viewer, have taken such and such and are now suffering from some life-threatening reaction. Just what I need more fear and anxiety in my life. Then I realize how luck I am to be as healthy as I am and to be living close and feeling close to my daughters and their fellows and my dear husband who is easily my best friend. I will find a job, a purpose, something. I must. Gonna meet up with my childhood pal, Ronnie, later today and that will help my mood considerably. She has some major surgery coming up and I’m hoping I can help support her recuperation through that time. She is such a delight and I am so lucky to have her in my life again. Can’t think of what else to wright at present so I think I’ll let it go for now.

Moving on and out

My husband and I are moving to a new apartment in the next few weeks due to flooding in the building. This was unexpected but the place we’ve taken (or I should say Ric has leased as I’m still just rooming with him until I become employed and financially independent again) is much bigger and has two bedrooms and two bathrooms which is a true joy. It’s pretty much in the same neighborhood where we are located now so I will have a park to visit. It’s also a raised first floor which means sun – at last. Being in a garden apartment as we’re in now has meant a dearth of sunlight which is not just hard on us but also on the cats and plants. I will contribute what little rent I can afford and hopefully will get a job soon. I have a feeling the tone of my blog will be changing as I feel as if I am coming out of a long, dark hole. Between missing and grieving for Annie so much, not to mention the loss of my job and along with it my sense of self-worth and purpose, I’ve been feeling so lost until lately. As fall has hit, it’s actually felt more like spring. Spending time with my childhood friend, Ronnie, has had a lot to do with this as it has reminded me I am someone beyond Annie’s sister. I wish I could fully express what Ronnie’s friendship as well as that of my husband, Ric, has meant to me in helping me find myself again. It’s as if I am remembering that I do have things to say and opinions to offer and love to give. Grief is such an identity thief and causes such emotional myopia. I don’t know how people can stand to be around me when I am that preoccupied with myself and my loss. But I’m not going to that place now, so breathe a sigh of relief with me that I can finally see an inch beyond my own nose. More words to come certainly, but for now I am going to let this be.

The not-so-good memories…

Last night and today have been filled with the bad memories of things between Annie and me. Fights we had, bad words between us – that sort of thing.  I really don’t want to think about these things but they just keep swirling into my head. Ugh. I really hate this. I know intellectually that this junk is all in the past and means little now, but there it is anyway.

I’m feeling down because of lots of stuff (the never-ending job hunt, money issues, etc. ad nauseum) so maybe that’s part of this spin I’m in, but it just feels so wrong to be thinking about this crap. I find myself reevaluating  just about everything in my life so that’s part of it, too, I guess. All I know at this moment is that I wish things would just even out a little. That’s all I can say for now. Please let this change soon.

Hospital foot warmers…

Those little hospital foot warmer sock thingies they gave me yesterday when I had my medical procedure almost did me in. It was hard enough just walking into that hospital since that’s where my Annie died four months ago…but I did it. And then they handed me my hospital gown and those…socks. It just destroyed me. I think Annie had about 20 pairs of those things and I used to put them on her every day as her feet were always cold and because they helped her not slip when she was trying to walk in her walker. Oh Annie – this is so not how I want to think of you! The hospital folks were great to me – just as they were to her. It’s a good place with great care and docs and nurses. It’s just sadly the last place I saw my Annie.

Why are we here?

We’re here to take care of each other. To love each other. To make each other laugh. To watch over children and animals. To have fun. To create or inspire creation. To investigate. To stand up for ourselves and each other. To enjoy the life around us. to rescue each other when needed and even when not needed. Sometimes we even do imitations of Ethel Merman for each other. We dig each other out of the holes we’re in. We support and build each other up. We respect each other’s differences. We agree to disagree. We love each other – all the time. How lovely is that?